I’ve been feelin’ a bit blue lately. I woke up one morning and it felt like I’d forgotten who I was. Not in an amnesia-like way, but in an existential crisis-like way. It was as if my entire personality was wiped clean overnight. Like my favourite things, my interests, my accomplishments were just erased. I felt blank. Naked.
I spent that whole day convinced that I was the most boring human alive, that everybody hated me, that I was an unsuccessful sack of trash who was going nowhere and doing nothing.
(I’m an expert in the art of self-deprecation).
By the end of that day, I’d convinced myself that I was a disgusting, stupid, worthless, unsuccessful human being. I was the worst kind of person and I deserved every second of emotional pain I was inflicting on myself.
It’s scary to think about how powerful my own mind can be… but it reminded me of the need for a mental health check. I’m an emotional person (sometimes to a fault) and it’s easy for me to get lost up in my own head. I can create whole scenarios and convince myself they’re real before I even get out of bed in the morning. It’s worse when I’m stressed out, and it’s worse when I’m sad. And it’s worse when I refuse to be aware of it, too.
Patience is key. It’s important to realize that everything takes time, and I know that usually the biggest source of my depression and anxiety is not measuring up to these imaginary standards I impose on myself. I keep raising the bar–which is good–but I also have a tendency to forget about the goals that I’ve already met. I keep my eye on the prize (constantly) but I keep changing the rules of the game. Being goal-oriented is important. Looking to the future is crucial to success. But the self-deprecation that seems to go hand-in-hand with it is not.
I’m a perfectionist, and, although cliche, that’s what breaks me. The self-imposed pressure to be the best I can be prevents me from being the best that I can be.
I need to learn to take a step back, crawl out of my own head, and just appreciate myself–have faith in my own abilities. I’ll get there when I get there, and I know I will get there.
It’s scary to think about how powerful my mind can be, but it’s exciting, too.